I've just come off the phone to Mr & Mrs Twitski. They want to come round this afternoon. This afternoon!! Even Fickle, my Border Collie looks worried. The house is in such a state, Zac's toys are everywhere and the place still stinks of curry from last night's spur of the moment gathering after a few too many drinks in the Three Lions at the end of the road. I mean why do they have to come round today?!!
'Stop looking at me like that Fickle!!' I moan grumpily to Fickle. 'You need to tidy up your toys too. In fact, we will have to pretend you don't live here at all!' Fickle does a doggy shake in protest, followed by a big sigh, and then lies down again with a truculent look.
'The Twitskis might be the people to buy the house you know! So we all have to make an effort.' Fickle's eyes momentarily look up at me, and then look back down to the floor, and then a second later they are shut, tight as buttons.
Just great, I think to myself, am I the only person that wants to sell this house?!
I start tidying up anyway, trying to focus on the joy I shall experience later at having a clean and tidy home. I hope they don't start asking too many awkward questions about the Tesco's planning application. Mmm, I wonder what I should say if they do mention it. Shall I feign complete surprise? 'Tesco's? What Tesco's? No-one has mentioned it. What do you know about Tesco's?' Crumbs, I think to myself, I'm really not a very good actor. I think they might see through that little charade straight away. My drama teacher at school always said I was 'wooden'. What did he know about it anyway? I really wanted that part in The Pirates of Penzance you know. And didn't my drama teacher have a Polish name or something? And how can these people be called Twitski? Surely that's not a real name is it? Maybe it is. No-one would give themselves such a daft sounding name would they?
I carry on cleaning. I hope they don't look in here I think to myself as I start dusting the ornaments. They'd better not ask me any ridiculous questions, I'm really not in the mood for it today to be honest. What was it that chap asked me last week? 'Why didn't the roof of my conservatory have a snow guard?' 'A what?' I said. Something about if there was a lot of snow and it started melting it could form icicles which could then fall off the gutters, break the conservatory roof and kill someone! I pointed out that this was 18 The Vale not Val d'Isere, and the last time we had snow here my snowman was bigger than me, but he wasn't having any of it!
by Samantha May